La tarde está muriendo
como un hogar humilde que se apaga.
Allá, sobre los montes,
quedan algunas brasas.
Y ese árbol roto en el camino blanco
hace llorar de lástima.
¡Dos ramas en el tronco herido, y una
hoja marchita y negra en cada rama!
¿Lloras?… Entre los álamos de oro,
lejos, la sombra del amor te aguarda.
The afternoon is dying
just as a humble fire, flickering, might fade.
There, above the mountains,
few hot coals remain.
And that tree, defeated, on the white road,
brings forth tears of shame.
Two branches on the wounded trunk, and a
single leaf, withered and black, on each branch!
Oh, do you cry now? … Waiting for you,
between the golden aspens, which stand far away, is the shadow of love.
I adore this poem so I was afraid to translate it, but I decided that ultimately it would be a good exercise and would help me. I may come to revise it later because I feel uncertain about certain sections of emphasis and various word choices I’ve made.
- Translating “hogar” as “home” or even “fireplace” just wouldn’t have worked, but in the dictionary “fire” isn’t an listed as an option… I’m hoping it’s a justifiable choice though.
- Yes, “flickering” is an unnecessary extra word which doesn’t exist in the original and maybe I ought to remove it… It’s just that when I read the poem in Spanish, that’s the visual it conjured in my mind… that of a flickering, dying flame.
- I’ve always had a problem with the word “algunas”. Perhaps it’s my fault for thinking that the default translation “some” is too vague. Does “some” mean “several” or “few”? Does its implication tend towards the positive or negative? In my translation, I settled on “few”, because I felt it more likely considering the atmosphere and theme of the poem; however I am still unsure.
- When translating the word “roto”, why did I go for “defeated” as opposed to “broken”, the harsher and perhaps more dramatic sounding word? I don’t know. In my mind, “defeated” was the more evocative, more emotive word because its connotations of struggle and time were more obvious, but I’m not sure if others will feel the same way.
- The reasons I translated “hace llorar de lástima” as “brings forth tears of shame” are, firstly, because the action sounds more detached and therefore the direct address to the reader later on is made more intimate… and, secondly, because I thought it more poetic… although perhaps arguably more archaic and formal.
- The last two lines I had trouble with… I’ve completely rearranged the word order so the emphasis may lie in different places. I felt that separating “you” and “the shadow of love” by two clauses would stress the distance and time between the two. I was almost tempted to place the “Oh, do you cry now?” at the end of the poem. I’m not entirely convinced by where I’ve chosen to break the line but I think the emphasis falling on “you” and “shadow of love” does work.